The aftermath of the truth of abuse coming out..

so yes, the right thing to do is to tell someone of your unbelievable experience of abuse.. But I’m not going to lie, dealing with the abuse being pushed into the front of your mind and out of your mouth is difficult considering you’ve spent however long pushing it further and further back into the deep, forgotten part of your brain, it all becomes raw again, it’s as if it happened yesterday, and all the time you’ve spent trying to ignore it and pretend like it didn’t happen, is all wasted on the time you could of spent recovering with full support from family, friends or professionals. 

It’s been exactly 3 weeks and 4 days since the truth of my abuse came out after a huge attempt to take my life on 150 paracetamol and 80 aspirin, I broke down in histerics, I hardly remember saying the words my family repeated back to me the morning after, when I woke up in intensive care with my mum asleep next to me, connected to two drips and an oxygen mask.. I’m selfish I know, but I needed the pain and the fear to stop, and this was the only way I knew how.. Without hurting anyone else with the truth.. But I failed when my brother found out I was in a B and B waiting to die and came to my unwanted rescue.. I didn’t want to be found, unless dead. But now, I feel different, I see my future, not as clearly as I want too, but it’s there and I want to be here, I can do it and my family’s support means the whole world to me.. Despite the fact my abuser was my eldest brother.. So the whole family is hurting not just for me but for them too.. But there main focus is me and as much as I hate that because I want to help them, I need it and I appreciate it more than I ever thought I would. 

So yeah.. It’s getting easier, slowly but surely getting easier. That’s all for now.. I needed to vent to sleep, and I hope you guys like what I have written and it gives you some kind of motivation to come out before it leads to an attempt on your life.. My abuse went to far, take my story as a lesson, speak out before it’s too late and be true to yourself as a person, I just wish I had some sort of time machine to change what I did.. Turns out I caused more hurt by taking an attempt on my own life than I did coming out and speaking the truth.. God bless and keep an eye out for my future vents/advice/blogs, I enjoy reading all of yours also.. Thank you.

Susan. X

Appreciate life

Sherry Irvin

Have you ever wondered how we can take advantage of something so necessary in our lives that we don’t see the beauty of why it works.
I’m talking about being alive and having the ability to breathe and make choices in our lives, whether they are good or bad. I often, have to take a step back and appreciate all the wonderful advantages that I have in this life and the disadvantages that allow me to be teachable.
I have found through my years of sobriety that I have a new lease on life, I have the tools that I need to make the most out of my day. When things are not going as I planned, I have the ability to ask the creator to reset my day. I’ve learned that I’m not in control of the show and I need to learn patience. Do I always do these…

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Afraid to be Alone

My Sensitive Life

After remembering about the horrible sexual abuse that happened in my early, early childhood my behaviors that I’d carried with me for years started to make sense. Growing up I could never be alone, even to go to the bathroom. I could understand being like this as a little kid because kids are afraid of the boogy man. But I still had to have someone, usually Beverly, go with me in my teen years and even into my 20s. The same went for taking showers and baths, I couldn’t do it alone, I had to have someone with me.

In hindsight I realize that Howard Smith used to watch me go to the bathroom at Casey Flat, an outhouse about 150 feet from our cabin. We also had an outdoor shower, with trees above and a kind of maze to get into the shower stall. I know now that he…

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The builders and the breakers of trust.

Trust.. It’s a word we all use a lot but when can we say we truly mean it? It takes a while to build up trust towards one person, and having a lot of people in your life makes it all the more longer to build. But one mistake we all make is once we have 100% trust in someone, we have something in our brains that tells us everyone is like this one person, and we can trust anyone and everyone, and we haven’t yet learned that we need a big, high brick wall that people who love you enough to gain your trust with climb over to get to you on the other side, and the ones who break it go back to the other side of the wall to constantly fall from the wall whenever they try to gain your tust back again, but once a breaker always a breaker, and no one should be fooled by someone saying they’ve changed, wether they have on it doesn’t matter, regardless whether they really try to get your trust back, it’s about making s point that it’ll never be the same again otherwise people don’t learn from there mistakes and carry on to break other peoples. 

The thing about breaking someone’s trust, is setting them up for failure for the rest of there life, with the fear of trusting anyone ever again. With sexual abuse, it’s usually abuse because it’s on going, meaning you would of had contact or some form of relationship with your abuser before the abuse started, the trust you once had for your abuser crushes you, the trust you’ve put into someone, is everything, and they stamp all over it as if it’s nothing, making you feel like what’s the point in trusting anyone ever again?  Men become scary nightmares to women who have been abused, even if they are the most genuine person, you still fear because you believed your abuser was a genuine trustworthy person before the abuse started, where does that leave the victim for marriage, kids, relationships, experiences, friendships? It becomes impossible to rely on anyone else, regardless of who it is, and that’s your way of getting your deepest feeling, fears and dreams to yourself, because you can only trust yourself with them.. 

This is why recovery is such a difficult road to walk down, because you have got to trust the police, a doctor, family, a friend  a councillor, to et the help you need to get everything you need to out of your mind, into the open, and to start working through the pain and the strain everything has had on your life. 

It’s almost like you’ve got to train yourself like you’re a baby, stating over and growing up into a trustworthy environment to help you learn that not everyone you meet is a bad person, and not everyone in the world in out to get you, hurt you, or upset you.. 

I will be writing a lot more on trust, because it plays a big part in our steps forward in life as ex abuse victims. Thank you for reading, keep reading and give me some pointers on how to make my blog better. This started as a way to realise my emotions, now it’s always on my schedule, I don’t just enjoy it, I love It, and I hope you guys love my blogs too.. I just want to be heard, after years of being beaten, raped and mentally made to feel worthless. Enjoy and God bless. X

Darkest Hour

A Pansexual Babygirl Submissive Living in a Vanilla World

The past week has been one of the most difficult in my life, and that’s saying a lot since I’ve been a quadriplegic at one time. I’ve had depression since I was sexually assaulted at 13, but this week was different. This week, I just couldn’t find the inner strength to fight like I always had.

Yesterday, was the first day this week that I didn’t think about ending my life. I guess you could say that it was the perfect storm. The prescription for my anti-depressant has been incorrect for the past few months. I hadn’t been able to get to my doctor and have only been receiving half of the pills I needed for the month. Normally, I’m able to deal with it, but this month I required a steroid treatment for Multiple Sclerosis.

Let’s just say, when they talk about roid ragethey aren’t lying. My mood…

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suicidal thoughts?

secret life of a victim

Depression is a slippery slope and without help, you slowly become consumed by feelings of worthlessness and then come the suicidal thoughts. Would it be better to end the pain? How should I do it? And then suddenly it hits you like a ton of bricks. My family. Friends. Loved ones. How would they deal with it?

When you are in such a dark place, it is easy to completely become selfish and feel as though life just isn’t worth living anymore. I still feel some days like I simply cannot cope. You just want all the pain and suffering to end. You want to just crawl into a hole and die. But something, whether it is God or your own conscience, something inside your head tells you to stop.

I once thought “how can anyone take their own life?”. I used to say “do they not realise how lucky they…

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We’re All A Little Broken

The SisterWives

“I love all of you

Hurt by the cold.

So hard and lonely too

When you don’t know yourself.”

-Red Hot Chili Peppers, My Friends

This is for the broken.

The hurting.

The ones who walk through life in spite of it. The ones who are just trying to make it to tomorrow.

This is for all of us. Because we’re all a little bit broken.

Everybody’s got something. None of us make it through the years without being tossed around by life. We’re banged up and bruised and some of us are still bloody.

But we’re still here.

And that’s something.

And I want you to know something. I see you. Beneath the face you project, beneath the hollow laughter, beneath the wan smile. I see you.

I see you struggling. I hear the anguish in your voice and in your words. I know you look around and you…

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Fifteen Simple Ways To Overcome Depression And Sadness

NaijaBlogas

Depression can be debilitating and is
very different from just feeling
unhappy. Usually, there is a reason
for unhappiness such as being
rejected or not getting the job you
wanted. Depression is a pervasive
feeling. It’s almost as if you are in a

black tunnel with no light. Hope
disappears and the things you used
to find enjoyable become a chore.
Even winning the lottery would not
snap someone out of depression and
it is never a good idea to tell
someone who is depressed to sort
themselves out and pull themselves
together. Unfortunately, it isn’t that
simple, but there are ways to
alleviate the symptoms of
depression.
1. Practice Mindfulness
A depressed mind tends to mull over
all that is wrong and worries
unnecessarily about all the negative
possibilities that may emerge in the
future. This negative thought cycle
reinforces misery and is not helpful
in managing to overcome…

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The monster called depression and its forceful pull.

I see depression as a monster, one that you’re scared of underneath the bed, creeping up on you, it’s always lurking in the darkness somewhere, no matter who you are or how well of you are in life, whether you upper class, middle class or lower class, happy, sad, or angry, depression if it sees an opportunity of weakness it’ll grab you by the feet and pull you under, like an abuser, it’s pray is always the weakest. 

I know this from experiencing the consumption of depression for the past 3 years, and every time i felt at my lowest, and weakest, I could feel myself being pulled towards the darkness just by the pitiful feeling in my stomach. Depression has a deadly accomplice, called suicide. Depression can only bully you so far until you’ve gone past the line of stable, then the thoughts of no longer wanting to fight it, no longing wanting to be here and feeling like there is no purpose as to why you are here, and that’s when the real bullying from suicide begins. It’s a demon you cannot escape because it is within you, and the only way to escape it’s pull is to get help from a pressional, but from experience I know that is easier said than done when you truly believe at that moment you are beyond help. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not catorgrizing everyone with depression, As if they’ve all attempted to take there own life, because some people sit on the line of stable, and do not get kicked further down, but I know that everyone with depression has thoughts of whether or not they are needed or wanted here anymore. 

My latest suicide attempt was a close call, and although I feel better in myself after acknowledging the suituation of being MSAP abused (mentally, sexually and physically abused), and saying it out loud, I still can’t help but dwell of why i chose to let myself live, even though I’m a stronger person for it, I still have the thoughts, and I don’t think they’ll ever truly go away. 

It’s safe to say I’m truly scared to death of my inner thoughts and feelings, the Thursday I left my house u knew I was going to kill myself, I didn’t know how, I was just completely certain it was time and to this day I still can’t figure out how I concuted such a plan, as if I’d been planning for weeks, maybe months. Leaving my family home and everyone in it, jumping into a taxi to then decide where I was going to go from there, all together I’d gone round 4 different shops to get together enough tablets (as most shops are 2 boxes of 16 tablets for each sale) to end it all, i then ended up in several locations were I took them over a period of time,  one of the locations was my fathers grave, but I knew once my family had realised I was missing, this could be the first place they go, because whenever I had a problem it was my safe place, so I kept on the move,  onto places I knew they couldn’t find, I had taken as an estimate. 60 paracetamol and 50 aspirin, and I wasn’t scared of dying.. At one point I found myself in a taxi outside the hospital, but I instantly decided I was beyond help and that I didn’t want it, it was my time to go, so I left and found a quiet, out of the way B&B to die easily, peacefully and quietly.. But never had I intended to look at my phone and find the stream of missed calls, messages and voicemails from not only my family and best friend, but people that had been contacted to see if I had made any contact with them, my phone was on 1% and it hit me like a ton of bricks what I was doing to them, to my mother. So I caved, and I gave them the location as to were I was and I was taken straight to the hospital where my 48 hours of hell had only just started, where the truth of what my eldest brother had done, and all the crap that followed finally came out of me like a tap on full blast, stuck and unable to turn off.. 

With my councelling I’ve learnt that when I’m starting to feel overwhelmed with the feelings and thoughts of what I am writing, to simply stop. So that’s it from me for now, and you’ll be sure to see and read more from me on the subject of depression and how I’m handling my battle and how you can handle and take control of yours. Thankyou and read on, God bless. X

  

To Ease The Pain Of The Past

lonelyrecovery

As we sit in a room shut off from society, borded up windows, old musk smelling lounges and nothing but a bottle of water, pen and paper on a table. We all sit anxiously as the little bag filled with the chemical infused substance is bought out along with a glass pipe. Our eyes widen and there is a slight sparkle just like a child on christmas. We are all craving a hit to keep us going for the next 12 hours. living day by day, hour by hour wanting more and more, never having enough to keep each and everybody satisfied. Within an hour $300 is gone as fast as it arived.

The conversations start, turning into a deep dark confession session where nothing is judged and there is no right or wrong. This is followed by triggers of emotions coming to the serfice of each of us. Evil…

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